Katie's Letter.

Dear Jude,
I don't know if you will ever read this letter, but I have to write it. I don't want to but I fear that if I keep my feelings to myself, I'll explode.
I wish I could see you. Just one more time, so I can spit on your face. I want to you to hurt like I'm hurting. I want you to feel pain like I'm feeling. I want you to cry, the same way I've been crying over you. Yes, Jude. I hate you.
Remember the day we met, somewhere around Iyana-ipaja, I nearly hit you with my car. You turned to give me the middle finger but when u saw it was a lady driving, you just waved. I never told you this but that first time you looked at me, my heart stopped. That's why I had to convince you to let me give you a ride. You said you were going to Ikeja and I said I was going the same way. I lied. I was going to Abule-egba. I just wanted to be close to you. Why else would I have driven so slowly? We exchanged numbers and my joy was full.



Remember our first date? I couldn't believe that you had decided to hang out with me. Me! I tried to scare you away by telling you silly stories of how snakes and spiders fascinate me, how sometimes I wish I could drink blood like a vampire. I expected you to call me a weirdo and run. You looked at me, smiled and said, "Katie, you are unique." That was not enough for me. I went further to tell you how about my four abortions, my battle with kidney failure. You drew me close, hugged me and called me strong. There in your arms, I knew I had found 'the one'. I silently prayed to God and thanked him for the gift of 'bae' and I loved you ever since.
I remember that day at the hospital, four years after we got married, I was dying. The doctor had said I needed a kidney transplant to survive and other hospitals were not responding positively to the SOS sent. I had less than a week left. You sat by my bed and cried. You thought I was sleeping but I heard you. I felt your tears drop on my arm. I heard as you lashed out at God, angry with him for not helping and watching me suffer. I heard you as you apologised almost immediately and begged for Him for help. My already broken heart broke even more. I just wanted to hold you and tell you everything will be fine, but I was too weak to even turn my head. You planted a kiss on my forehead and left.
I had a transplant the next day. A new kidney in my body. Your kidney. You refused to remember that you were just recovering from an accident and were supposed to be on bed-rest. You didn't survive the surgery. You died so I could live. How stupid!!! What the hell were u thinking?! You didn't want to see me die. Did you think I wanted you dead? And worse, because of me?! You ruined the very life you saved. The day after the surgery, a hospital sent a message that a kidney was available. If only you had waited, you selfless bastard!!! Just one day. We could've been living together. We could've grown old together. You cut that short!
Jude, it wasn't one life you saved that day. It was three. I was pregnant with twins. Your children. How they survived that ordeal still remains a mystery to me. Your five year old sons have begun to ask about their father. What do I tell them? How do I explain that I'm the reason he isn't here with them? How do I look at them and tell them their father was a silly fool I had the misfortune of falling and remaining in love with?
Six years have passed since your demise and people still ask why I never remarried. I laugh. They will not understand. They won't understand that there is no room in my heart for loving another. It's all been occupied by you. I meant it that day when I said it's either you or no other. I didn't even realise how much I did until now.
I hate you. I hate you for cutting our lives together short. I hate you for leaving me with two precious boys. I hate the fact that every time I look at them, I see you. Your round eyes, your full lips, high cheekbones, even your gap-tooth. I hate the pain I've been feeling, all these years. I hate you. But I love you even more. Its a wonder how one can love and hate a person so passionately at the same time. Jude, I love you so much that it hurts. I miss you so bad. I still wake up at night to hold you only to grip mere sheets. I still think of you and want to make love to my husband and suddenly, I remember you are gone. I still yell at you to dispose of the garbage and instead of the usual reply if your rich laughter, all I hear is silence. At those times, the pain is worst.
My heart, I've missed you. I hate you. I love you. I wish you read this and see how much your not being here hurts. Still, I thank God that in your short life, we met, we loved and we lived. Obim, I don't know how I'm gonna survive without you but I know I will. If not for anything, for the wonderful children you have given me. I will stay sane and strong for them, no matter how hard it is. And when we meet again, I wont forget to spit on that lovely face of yours, only after I have kissed you.
Yours Always,
Katie.