But he never forgets. You can't always see it, but sometimes I look at him and I see it in his eyes: his anger at me or himself for something I've done sometime ago. He doesn't forget. And he doesn't let me forget. This is more dangerous than him venting on me. Magnus is an implosive hydrogen bomb.
"Magu, my lollipop. I'm sorry na. I didn't plan on this happening and I'm remorseful. You've got to forgive me."
He looked at me from the corner of his eyes. He looked different from the youthful man I had married all those years ago. His skin, once taunt was now sagging at several locations, frown lines had developed on his face and he had a great deal of grey hair. Teaching at the community secondary school was indeed a tasking job. "Hian, forgiveness na by force? I'm not ready to talk to you yet."
"Magnus, you've got to stop this and grow up. I made a slight error in judgement. For that I apologize."
His upper body turned around as his face met mine. "Error in judgement? Is that what you call using the money I gave you for food to buy your cloth? Humph! You're not serious yet."
Hearing him put it like that, I was hit by the gravity of what I had done. At the time of making that decision, it hadn't looked so bad, it had actually seemed ingenious. Buy the cloth for myself, scurry up as much food as I can and if in the process Magnus learns a lesson on how to be more gracious with money toward me, all the better!
But then, things have blown out of proportion, out of control. Buchi had overreacted, Magnus had learnt more than I wanted to teach. "Magu, you forced my hand. I've been telling you about that money for weeks. You could have sourced out that small money by now. Do you know what it means if I hadn't bought my piece of cloth? I would be the only woman in the zone who would appear different on that day. I would stick out like a sore thumb. The laughing stock. I wouldn't have it. I know we aren't rich, but there are women who has it far worse than I do and they still bought the cloth!"
"So that's your defence? You should hear yourself. Defending your selfishness with flimsy excuses. Eji gba nnu nnu, nne ya feru. You led our children to believe that I'm a selfish father who couldn't provide for them even after I've promised to get the money to you by the end of the week..."
"But the deadline was today!"
"You're still missing the point. You could have borrowed from a friend or something. What you did today was choose your social standing over your family!"
"I choice I made because you forced my hand! If you had been a better man..." I trailed off when I saw his right hand shoot out and approach my face. I flinched and cowered, raising my arms over face in defence to the impending slap.
I was like that for a moment, as if this was a scene in a movie that has been paused. When the blow didn't come at it's expected time of arrival, I peeked out at Magnus through the small space between my arms. He was sitting up opposite me. His right hand raised into the air. It was like it had lost it's will to move. His eyes were alight and was biting his lower lip with his teeth. He was physically restraining himself from assaulting me. It seemed to be a very hard job, the way his eyes mistened with the exertion.
Then a single tear fell from his eyes, making a trail of wet salty flesh as it made it's way down his cheeks to his jaw.
He let his hands fall. So I relaxed my adrenalin fueled muscles, and my face softened at the sight he made. Magnus had never hit me before. He had made no attempt to. Like I said, my Magu isn't a violent man. But it seems I've pushed to far. And something has snapped in there.
He turned around lay back in the bed, keeping his back at me. I imagine that he's filled with the shame of crying in front of his wife.
Just in cue, the light went off. I was happy for that.
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